Have I Got This?

I've been knocked down by life many times in my 35 years on this earth. My motto has always been that life may knock me down but never out. From my first moments as being a premature miracle baby with doctors saying I had no chance of making it, I proved myself a fighter by beating the odds and healing myself prior to needing emergency heart valve surgery. I survived as I have through that, major knee surgery at 18 and a myomectomy two years ago which is basically just a fancy term for a C-section of a uterine fibroid tumor. And it wasn't until yesterday though that the reality of this IVF process caught up with me quite literally making me realize I might not get back up this time. If you've been following our chronicled journey through our second round of IVF, you know I was terrified for the egg retrieval process. Not just for the obvious reason that there would be a tube with a needle attached to it going up my cervix but because the last time I almost died after the procedure in recovery. The memory of talking to my mom, then saying "I feel weird" and proceeding to fall back in the bed as my heart rate dropped was bad enough. Then my lips turned blue and fingernails turned purple which has haunted me since the procedure. As we were talking to the nurse prior to the surgery this time around, she shared that because my estrogen levels were so high this time I was at risk for hyper stimulation. Then she preceded to list symptoms to look for after the procedure: nausea, vomiting, weight gain, decreased urine output, shortness of breath with difficulty in breathing, ovarian enlargement and abdominal discomfort from the enlargement. These are not symptoms a hypochondriac like me needs to hear prior to surgery. Next, the anesthesiologist who was different this time talked about how bizarre the reaction I had previously was as patient's never have a delayed reaction like that from the table to recovery. So she was going to give me different anesthesia and hope for the best. Under anesthesia I then went hoping for a lot of eggs and a better outcome. This was the first time I dreamt under anesthesia and didn't feel like a time traveler. When I woke up I mistakenly thought this time had gone better. I couldn't have been more wrong! As soon as I was on the recovery bed, the nurse and the anesthesiologist shared that my body had the same reaction as last time only this time I was on the table and it was during the surgical procedure. They repeated how bizarre my body's reaction was. They said bizarre so many times that if we'd been playing a drinking game I surely would've been drunk. Then they shared how because they didn't know why my body was reacting this way I would need to see a cardiologist. Hearing the urgency in their voices along with their concern for the implications for my pregnancy was too much. I was depleted. I started to break down and cry to which the nurse monitoring me said that I needed to be positive, that anxiety wasn't good for my condition. I know that she was just trying to help but it was the last thing I needed to hear. I explained to her that having lived with depression for my entire life I understood the power of positive thinking but being filled with hormones that didn't mix well with my depression medicine along with almost dying on the table and being referred to a cardiologist gave me the right to be upset. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. Unfortunately, my pain was just beginning as I encountered an entire day of gut wrenching intestinal pains along with pain in my cervix that no woman should ever have to experience. The pains were so excruciating that I'm sure neighbors thought a murder was taking place due to my sobbing screams. Finally, Aaron out of growing concern had to call the doctor and get me a prescription painkiller. Eventually it mildly worked but we were on edge all night monitoring to see if I'd have to go to the hospital. In the depths of this pain it hit me for the first time that I may not have this; that this could in fact kill me. With it being my darkest moment on the infertility road, I felt the urge to keep my pain silent. But that's not who I am. Thankfully today I got several messages from other infertility warriors checking up on me. That reminded me of the strength that can be found when we share and support one another! This morning I found out that 11 of the eggs were able to be fertilized; a positive step amidst the pain. So while yesterday I didn't know if I could go on, for today and because of the support of amazing people like the ones reading this, I've got this!