I Was/Was I A Mother

As I scroll through the pictures on this day showing the outpouring of love towards mothers I can't help but reflect upon my own single experience of being considered a mother on Mothers Day. It was 2 years ago when we had our foster daughters who we were fighting to adopt. We planned a weekend away at the lake but struggled with a rollercoaster of emotions because we found out before we left that the youngest was to have a forensic interview that Monday followed by a family team determination meeting where we were trying to get her appropriate mental health services. Due to the state pushing visits with her biological mother, her mental health was strained. It also was bringing up significant night terrors and nightmares of abuse. While away she dreamt that one of her former abusers was going to kidnap her. I spent the night before that Mothers Day comforting her. I pushed aside my own emotions that weekend and made fun "family" memories at the arcades, movies and lake with what I thought was my family. It was less than a month later that I lost them. The state reminded me that although they called me mommy that I shouldn't have loved them that much because they weren't mine. But in my mind I was their mom. How do you turn off mom brain? I'm still trying. For 5 months my whole world existed for them from the minute I opened my eyes until the battle of bedtime. I'd be lying if I said there weren't days that I didn't regret my advocacy. Why couldn't I just shut up and follow the rules of the broken system? I might still have them. But would I have been able to live with that choice? Some say I was a mother and that by the work I do with kids every day along with having fur babies that I should be considered a mother. But am I... I will never know what it's like to carry a baby to term in my body. I'll never stand at a faculty meeting and be able to announce I'm expecting. It's sobering, it's hard and it is my reality. For now I'll cherish the blessing of the family and friends who I'm lucky to be surrounded by as we drive back from the beach. But buried in my drawer is a handmade card and picture from the only girl to ever call me mom on Mothers Day. I'll forever be the mom to her in my heart.