Will I ever be a Grandmother? A Different Generation’s Perspective on IVF

In my family this is the third generation of pregnancy problems. It all started with my mother taking DES in 1950 to hold me, her third pregnancy to term. After months of bed rest, I was her first successful pregnancy after two devastating miscarriages. As a result of the DES, I was told I had one chance to get pregnant, better hurry (because the cervix was closing after cryosurgery for abnormal cells), required two cervical sutures, and was put on bed rest in my fifth month of pregnancy. My high risk OB had me lie on my left side to increase the blood flow, and the goal was to make it to the 28th week. I made it to week 31, and Chrissie was born two months early, the premature miracle baby in 1980. She beat all odds, lungs developed, heart valve that needed to close, pulled her tubes out in neonatal care, and came home for Christmas after 10 days.

Never did I ever dream that my miracle baby would have any difficulty becoming pregnant. I thought that I had overcome and endured all of those inherited difficulties for her. During the first round of IVF, Chrissie, Aaron and I were neophytes, so every procedure and timeline were new with no frame of reference. They extracted 11 eggs on the first egg retrieval and we were ecstatic, only to be defeated the next day when 11 went to 7, 7 went to 3, 3 went to 2, and they hurriedly implanted the two underdeveloped embryos all within 48 hours. With no prior experience, it was probably good that we didn’t know that there was virtually no chance of becoming pregnant. The drugs convincingly mirrored every pregnancy symptom, so I was beyond unprepared and devastated when Chrissie’s text came that she was not pregnant. I truly don’t know how she and Aaron survived that day. I angrily questioned what and why God was doing this to her- she was so deserving and had endured beyond human existence hurts and disappointments along her infertility road. Being her mother and never wanting anything bad for her, to say I felt helpless was an understatement.

Chrissie bravely determined that she would try IVF one more time. Her body, mind, and soul had no time to recover from the past years of infertility challenges, and she had to be on birth control again to begin this cycle. Her doctor recommended a different drug and shot regimen for hyper stimulation of her eggs. As her mother, it was heartbreaking to see her body so miserable and in so much pain from the drugs and shots. Every day was worse than the one before, it seemed like more than any human being should have to undergo. I remember we were supposed to relax Labor Day at the pool swimming and cook out. I had so been looking forward to it and spending time together as a family. But Chrissie and Aaron no sooner sat down in the lounge chair poolside than the doctor’s office called to say that the “trigger shot” had been unsuccessful, it would have to be repeated, and that would push the egg retrieval day forward. It was as if they were not even allowed to catch a few hours break. At this point, the entire IVF process seemed so unfair, so overwhelming, and so inhumane that it is inconceivable how anyone survives it. It broke my heart that she left in tears. How much more could she take?

After a second “trigger” shot on Tuesday, egg retrieval the day later was yet another nightmare. Chrissie came home in tears after her heart rate dropped to 50 “on the table,” and was told she needed her heart checked and possibly had sleep apnea. Enough is enough! This is not what you want to hear after excruciatingly painful weeks of shots and debilitating medications. Again, my thoughts were how could one human being endure any of this? Chrissie was in so much pain that she needed oxycotin for the next days. She also had to look for symptoms of hyper stimulation which would land her in the emergency room. Was it worth all this physical and mental anguish? My heart broke for her, and I felt helpless trying to console her. The only positive outcome was that they retrieved 21 eggs this time. As the days went on, with each ensuing blood test and yet more drugs added to the regimen, I just prayed that every day that went by would produce eggs that divided enough to get to the blastocyst stage.

I wish I could report that the egg implantation day was smooth, but, alas, it was another nightmare. We were two hours late waiting, and the doctor could not find the correct spot to implant the sole strong embryo into the cervix. Chrissie was in agony as the normal 10 minute procedure extended to 30 minutes. Pinch, speculum, twist, turn, pain, no luck to find the spot shown on the sonogram. I was watching the experienced doctor’s face as she tried to calm Chrissie- take out the catheter, put the embryo back in the incubator, and get a curved catheter to get the correct angle to finally get the embryo into Chrissie’s tilted uterus. Again, why does everything have to be so hard and painful? All I want is for my baby to have a baby and to know the indescribable feeling it brings.

We are now in the 2 week waiting period to get the results. My concern continues to be for the health and well-being of my child, Chrissie. To what lengths and pain will she have to endure to get the well-deserved baby she has dreamed of her whole life? We have many generations of only children- just one would be fine. I relish the opportunity to be a grandmother and shower a lifetime of love and affection for the next generation, my legacy, just as I have been blessed to have an only child to share my love and affection with. For the meantime, I am guarded with my emotions, one minute so positive that the embryo has successfully implanted, and the next minute trying to prepare myself for the devastating news that this second round was unsuccessful. In the waiting room, we met a couple who were on their sixth round of IVF- I can’t even imagine their rollercoaster life of emotions, highs and lows, as many in this generation are experiencing with IVF being their last hope. Please, please, please God bless us with a healthy pregnancy this time. I only know one thing- I love my daughter with all my heart, and would give my life for her.